Jan 19, 20213 min read

Does Anyone Know Melania’s Twitter Password?

When you threaten to ban one app, but end up getting banned from 17.

( Valentina Botero / Rowdy Magazine social media coordinator )

There is nothing that pacifies my over-stimulated brain more than logging on to the social battlefield that is Twitter and seeing nothing but threads upon threads of air-headed memes and people crying over Taylor Swift’s latest album.

Silence is a beautiful thing, I’ve come to learn. Just vibes, with not a peep from politician toddlers to be heard.

If it was any other year, I would’ve preferred some noise. I would have refused to subject myself to a silence that forced me to engage in my own thoughts. But alas, the year is 2021, and times have changed. This is how you can tell: I’m starting to prefer my own incoherent thoughts to the non stop whining of 40-year-olds who wave around MAGA merchandise. Yes, all this commotion for the mountain of a man who once uttered the words, “God bless the United Shites,” and “Obamna.” A notoriously charismatic speaker, and an avid tweeter with 34 thousand tweets since he declared his candidacy in 2015. Oh, and also a raging elitist with a god-complex and painfully racist tirades.

Proceeding the Capitol riots and the terrorism (which we definitely couldn’t see coming...at all), many people finally came to terms with the fact that Trump is, indeed, a provocateur of sorts. It only took him finding the right crowd of highly impressionable civilians to advance his agenda, inciting violence and temper tantrums left and right. He had been fueling this fire for four years, steadily escalating his mob’s yearning for a takeover. Most of his followers would have also justified their support for him by claiming that he’s no career politician, and that he’s an honest man. Well, look where that got us, Becky.

Now the FBI and DHS have been on quests of their own, raiding Parler, a server that radical right-wingers are flocking to, and shutting it down. Conservatives had congregated to this app because Twitter was “infringing upon their First Amendment rights” and “placing them under strict censorship.”

What really seems to be the kicker, though, was the fact that many of these “very fine people” had taken it upon themselves to declare a call-to-arms, and announced that they will be waging war against Democrats and tech executives. And while I bet that would’ve been a lot of fun, nothing gold lasts forever, so down went Parler along with thousands of accounts.

The funniest bit from all of this isn’t the fact that Becky probably tried to log in and found that her account diminished from the face of the Earth, but the fact that she really wanted a verified account. In order to obtain one, Becky had to submit pictures from the front and back of her official state driver’s license to a public server.

The things we do to feel validated. Hoping for a peaceful transition of power between you and the Feds, Becky.

Our time may be short, but for the little while being, let’s enjoy the peace and quiet that comes before Inauguration Day. Take advantage of this sea of tranquility Twitter has provided for us by cracking open a book, pouring yourself a warm cup of chamomile tea, and listening to the birds tweeting outside. I have no clue what my neighbour’s turkey gobbles on about, but I can guarantee that whatever is coming out of its mouth is objectively more useful and productive than whatever the hell it is that these alt-right folks are crying about.

Not to mention, I’ve learned more about the world around me from a taco shell box than any of Candace Owens’ or Donald Trump Jr’s tweets. That should tell you something.

There may come a day when Trump’s tantrums reappear in a smoke of dust and McDonalds grease. In the meantime, indulge yourself in reading the back of a cereal box and stream “Evermore.”

Jazz Abraham is an Online Writer for Rowdy Magazine. She spends her days annoying her mother, crying over baby orangutans, obsessing over Brad Pitt, listening to obscure 60s rock, reading, and writing songs about things she’s never experienced. Her passions lie in film, music, the planet, and the amplification of silenced voices. You can reach out to her at @jazzabbraham on Instagram.